My life is pain

The majority of my life has been pain, my pain started when I was young, it first manifested in verbal assaults, shortly after the physical assaults began. When I came to the authority at the time with the truth with and of all my convictions, they never seemed to hear me and over time it became the norm of my existence. To survive I let my mind wonder, sometimes of places of fantasy and horror, both a joy to my sanity. Other times it wondered to places of hate and torture to those that tormented me.

            The authority caught wind of what was in my mind. But instead of showing understanding and believing what I was truly saying they punished me. Sending me away, not helping me but to help themselves leaving my emotions to fester and rot to the point of decay. I didn’t have time to focus on my imagination; I had to focus on my honour which was always in question. I returned to an even worse hell, then the one I left. I fought back but the blind authority still punished me. I cut myself off from the world, my emotions were gone; Joy, love, compassion. There was only hate and envy left to sustain the empty abyss I had become.

            Finally, I left the pit of despair but the damage was done. I was nearly inhuman. I set out to find a purpose for my life. I found I was able to learn technical information to be a hindrance to my imagination. My imagination was my relief from the pain. I worked for a while but the bullies followed me and hurt me in the same way as before, I left it. I wanted to find a place that I felt I belonged and was safe for me to be myself. I didn’t find it, what I did find was my sanity at a loss. What was left was of my mind was torn apart, the last straw had fallen.

            I broke, I shattered and faltered. It seemed over but I continued, I finally after a long haul got a break. I focused on my needs and those of others. Gradually and slowly I found the pieces I lost or didn’t know existed. I made friends, new friends, better friends, I still felt pain but I started to learn how to push it to the side. I had become me. I tried harder to meet my needs and only my needs; if others needed me, then they would have to wait. I am important to and only to me. I pushed harder to bring out my needs so there is no delusion of where I was coming from. I need to imagine, to achieve, to sing to voice that reached the best part of me. I haven’t quite yet and don’t won’t too. The pain is powerful, but it hasn’t stopped me yet. The pain is me but it does not define me.

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